Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”