Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…