little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini