Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
You Might Also Like
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb