Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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“How’s your day going?”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Breaking news:
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
A friend sent me this.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.