Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
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jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi