Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
You Might Also Like
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”