Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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Siri, fight Alexa.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Autocorrect is my menesis
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…