LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Follow me for more fitness tips.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.