Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Y’all ready for this
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.