Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
You Might Also Like
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.