Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Death certificates are our last participation award.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”