Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me irl
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee