(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Thoughts
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign