LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.