Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.