“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.