Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac