live, laugh, laundry.
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I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
next question.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.