Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.