Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
This is true.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.