Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.