Livid.
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Every time my phone rings
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?