Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier