Living the best life.. 😊
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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery