“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.