Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
You Might Also Like
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.