@roxiqt

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

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@HavocMantis

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

@shutupmikeginn

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

@alexjmann

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@thejessbess

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

@seancehat

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

@iwearaonesie

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

@Book_Krazy

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

@iAmDelFreaky

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*