@HavocMantis *repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
@roxiqt Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
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@HavocMantis 
@shutupmikeginn Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
@alexjmann Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
@Northside_Mike Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
@thejessbess Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
@seancehat [opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
@Soo_Scandalouss There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
@iwearaonesie wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
@Book_Krazy THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
@iAmDelFreaky *plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*