living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?