“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Ion see the issue
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Classic German Shepherd 😂