Lmao
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.