lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems