lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
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[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Genius idea!!
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*