Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.