“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Trumpy Cat
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.