Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Natty or not?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Cats (2019)
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs