@Roy_oh_Roy

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

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@KentWGraham

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

@themommylode

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

@NewDadNotes

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

@justinmatic5000

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

@Cheeseboy22

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

@small_blunder

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

@ADDiane

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@KateWouldHaveIt

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.