Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, youβ¦probably noticed.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Dennyβs parking lot, youβre on my side, right?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogsβ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
TwinzerMom: Whereβd you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, thereβs powdered sugar in your beard
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
fired
unilever exec: look truthfully we donβt care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered βnah Iβll see you in a secβ no chill
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: Thatβs not very healthyβ¦
Me: Well, Iβm an Aries, so π€·ββοΈ
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Nailed it!ππ»π€£π€£π
Iβve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly Iβm 44 & a total moron π
My dad can get into βdad-modeβ sometimes. Heβs a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isnβt the time to be trying to have a lot of βplay-datesβ. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*