LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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I used to be married, but I’m better now
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.