Lmbo
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good