lmfao
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Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
bury ourselves
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.