Lmfao
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Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.