Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
He took my last fry, your honor
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?