LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.