Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”