Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
yeah 😭
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Fidel Castro was alive?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please