Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)