Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
You Might Also Like
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol