Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

ㅤ

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap