local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
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Finally, an explanation.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”