Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.