@Hobo_Splendido

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

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@Elizasoul80

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

@punished_picnic

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

@adamgreattweet

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

@amydillon

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

@BeerFarts101

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@leechee420

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@slyoung5

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.