local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Dietest Coke